I. Out of the land of Ishmael, upon which was built nation upon nation, came Froth, son of Seth, son of Sloth. And Froth begat Shag, who begat Ham, who begat Pickle, who yea moved to Mycenae and begat Picallili. Picallili lay with Cheese, daughter of Chive, though yet was she barren, and prayeth unto the LORD in her seventy fourth summer that she might be blessed with child. And Picallili (son of Pickle, son of Ham, son of Shag, son of Froth) got steamin one night and gave her one yea though she be old wizened and dried up, and lo she begat Jessie and Ron. Here endeth the line of Froth.

II. And yea Ron, son of Cheese and Picallili, went up the mountain for he hath balance and strength and climbeth he a grade E5 overhang, wheron there was a lucky fissure in the rock that he could just about jam two fingers into and lay back round the nose. And mortal danger was there upon him for climbeth he without those little things you can hammer in to put your rope on. And Ron saw that the way down was barred by a spiny lobster, thus progresseth he forth yea unto the summit for unto there lobsters were there none, and the view was splendid:

III. And lo, from the mountain I saw a great light and within the light I saw a cleft, between magnificent globes, that shone forth and did have a few golden hairs upon them. And the cleft opened before mine eyes and I beheld the ARSE of the LORD. And the holy sphincter relaxed and spake unto me, saying : "Know ye that I am the LORD of NOTHING AT ALL, and that I exist not, and that ye are hallucinating wildly, it must of been them mushrooms you done - think about it - when was the last time you heard of a lobster living up a mountain?" And I comprehended not the majesty of the holy brown starfish, which spake with a mighty wind. And the arse spake again, and bade me come closer that I might hear.

IV. And I approached, and the chutney tunnel sayeth "Go forth unto my people, for thereunto have I GREAT WRATH, for they believeth in ME when I patently exist not. Go forth and proclaim my absence, my disengagement and my non presence. Bring unto them understanding that I am simply not here and never was in the first place." And a great wind blew around me, and I beheld that it came from the BACK DOOR of GOD, and in the wind I heard a still small voice proclaiming nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.

V. And Ron came down the mountain by an easier route, probably no more than 4B, with loads of juggy hand holds, and ledges, not much of a challenge really, bit of a staircase, but he saw some nice routes and planned to come back.

VI. And when he returned to the people he saw that they had been partying and had made a golden idol in the form of a pie. "Nice one" sayeth he. And he joined in. And the people rejoiced to hear that there was no such thing as god and they went on to invent football and telly and other stuff and were happy yea unto the end of their days.