I. And the lord (who existeth not) decreed the first part of the law, that all men shall know what to eat, and what to drink, that they may eat and drink of that which is pure, and holy, and that they should detest that which is impure and forbidden. And the law was spake and given form, and heed ye all men that which proscribeth the LORD.

II. Let he who hath wisdom drink beer. Yea, let him drink wine, and spirits unto the skin be full. Let him drink that which the brewer maketh out of hops and barley-o with a bit of yeast and other stuff in. Drinketh ye NOT of the water, or of the orange juice or of the lemonade or of the coca cola, for these things are impure and will not get you anywhere. Partake ye not of the tea and coffee, for that is also impure and is depised by the lord, except if you really want a cuppa. Actually coke is great for hangovers so that's ok too. Come to think of it orange juice and the other stuff is nice sometimes. OK drink what you want.

III. Consume ye these things: Guinness ; all other beers (except Fischer which is minging in the sight of the lord) ; wines over 20 % abv, port and brandy, whiskey of Ireland and whisky of Scotland, gin, ale, sherry, campari, ouzo, martini or cinzano and vodka of Russia. Or Finland, it’s much the same. Consume ye these things untill yea ye chucketh up thy guts, then go back inside and get some more.

IV. And yea unto morning continue thee thus.

V. Blessed is he who see-eth not and danceth in an embarrassing fashion, blessed is he that chatteth up birds who are clearly ugly or old or both, certainly desperate anyway. How blessed are they who have glazed eyes and a reddish complexion, how blessed are they that falleth down for they shall find the true kingdom, and shall say hello to GOD on the big white telephone.

VI. And the LORD (who existeth not) spake again, and told his people that of which they may eat, that they might have faith and keep bond with His holey word.

VII. Eat ye of the animal that hath no legs, nor yet any arms, or tail or head. Eat ye of the animal that resteth upon the rotating skewery thing in front of a sort of greasy gas heater and rotateth thereupon yea until grease runneth down his flanks, for this animal is sacred, and is pure in the sight of God. Eateth ye thereof his flesh yea just before it is properly cooked, and still a bit pink on the inside. Cut-ye his meat with an electric knife that hath not been washed for generations. And make sure ye getteth extra chilli sauce.

VIII. Eat ye of the pig for the pig, far from being unclean, is great for getting bacon from and ham, and spare ribs (I thinketh, is that pig ?) and pork chops and gammon with a fried egg, and sausages, salami, bratwurst, knockwurst, loads of other speciality delicatessen type nibbles and tripe, well maybe not tripe, I can’t remember, but definitely the other stuff. Sayeth the LORD.

IX. Let not these things pass your lips for they are impure. Chicken McNuggets, McDonald’s salads, actually anything with ‘Mc’ in it. Stuff that is green, or groweth yea upon a tree, stuff that cometh not with chips, stuff that cometh not with extra chilli sauce, except if ye visiteth thy mam and she makes some nice stew or something like that, that’s OK. And salad is ok on kebabs.

X. Also, if you have been smoking a bong, eat what you like. It’s Gorgeous.

XI. And forget ye not to have a can of lager handy while eateth ye of these things, for lager is pure and cleansing and maketh not thy stool black like what Guinness doth.

XII. And the lord, having decreed this law vanished from sight for yea unto the off-licence goeth he him. And here endeth the law. No here. Ha ha only joking it endeth HERE.